Life, love, disappointment...Hurt, friends, pity party!

Most people don't read my blog..I know who is special and the ones that care. I think about my life from time to time and wonder if getting things out for people to be completely bored with really helps me heal those wounds. Or if it just makes my friends go "get over it!" Sometimes I think I'm over a lot of things then something will happen and my old wounds start breaking open and the tears start flooding. *sigh* If it weren't for my faith in God to see me through things I think I'd be in a nut house in a padded cell blowing raspberries all day.

I think about my life..and I shouldn't sometimes. I've always tried to do what's right. I've tried to help people when they need something or someone. But when I need something or someone those same people have every excuse in the world to not help me. And the ones that say "sure I can help" end up stealing from me..Maybe they think well I'm helping her and I want these things and I can't afford to get my own..so I'll just take hers since I'm helping her. People just tend to forget that you helped them when they needed it...Not that I did help to get something in return..but it would be nice for them to remember!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the way I was raised! My parents were so wrapped up in themselves, they cast me aside for my sisters to raise. My eldest sister and I get along okay, but she isn't there when I need something. 18 years ago I left Pat..she let me live in her old trailer she had. I had 2 children ages 4 and 7. I got exactly 400 a month in AFDC and 298 a month in food stamps. I had no vehicle. So what does she do "sure you can live in the trailer..250 a month plus utilities. And you can use Daddy's truck that he left here for me, but you can only look for a job..you can't go anywhere or do anything else, not in the truck" It took me a year to find a job. (the minute I got a job I informed the welfare office I did not need their help..My case worker use to have to deal with the Health Dept a lot and every time she'd call if I answered the phone she would tell me I still qualified for foodstamps!!! but I'd tell her that was okay, I'd rather not be on gov't assistance) I mean, about my sister..the trailer was paid for and it was on my "home" land (that my parents had given to my eldest sister) It was an old trailer, little thing small 2 bedroom 1 bath. So why did she make me pay her so much a month? Because my sister is a rich bitch who is only after money! But like I said we get along. If only she had of helped me a little, just a cheap place to live (the utilities were not a problem, but all that rent! I had nothing left for my kids...clothes, school supplies, shoes) then I probably would of never let Pat come back..and I would be at the health dept for 17 years now. Would have a good retirement (I'd of never hurt my back like I did) My other sister..she's hated me forever, just for being born I guess. She's always been mentally abusive to me..even when I was 4 and 5 I remember things she would do and say to scare the living daylights out of me. As teens she always called me a whore. (and I was a virgin for a lot of that time! I guess when you get told something long enough you really become whatever they say you are) And to this day...she isn't any better When James and I had no place to live she let me stay with her 5 weeks..and then literally had her daughter in law tell me to leave. I asked her where I was suppose to go and of course she said "tulsa..go to Harolds" righttttttttttttttt I hate Tulsa..always have always will. But I had no choice. Of course Schelli made me get an apt..and the welfare system in Oklahoma sucks...(and Arkansas) They (both states) told me I couldn't draw AFDC (TANF) even if I was disabled. Didn't matter that I had a minor child. I had to get a job, even if it was at McDonalds. I can't do that with my ankle. (I learned different in California..all I needed was a doctors excuse and I could of drawn it)

My life has been hard..I'm 54 years old and I feel like I'm 154. My body doesn't work..I think about my mother. When she was 54 I was 16. We went camping every summer..she washed our clothes in the river. she would carry a dishpan down to the river and wash out clothes, carry it back to camp and hang them up to dry. I couldn't do that if I tried!!!!!!!! I can't stand to cook, clean or even take a shower anymore. I feel useless.

And I still can't do anything right. Pat's daughter is always over here begging me to help her pay a bill. I love the kid. I've known her since she was 5. and she's my kids half sister. But she's not mine. I told her 2 weeks ago to call her dad I didn't have the money to help her. She said Not hardly I hate that man...So I loaned her 60 dollars to go get her husband from rehab (he is still clean and sober I pray he stays that way) but stupid me gave her my debit card so it would easier for her to stop and get gas, etc. Did she stop at 60? No..she went to Lowe's and bought some part the rehab needed for their swamp cooler (evaporative cooler for those who don't know what it is) and fixed the rehabs cooler. I am livid! Gas and food is one thing but for them to just use my money for what they want...no...I may not have a step daughter when I'm through with her today. She had no right!! and I will tell her just what I think about that! May God help me keep my temper under control.

As I said..I can't help any one ever again. I'm tired of being used.