Life, love, disappointment...Hurt, friends, pity party!

Most people don't read my blog..I know who is special and the ones that care. I think about my life from time to time and wonder if getting things out for people to be completely bored with really helps me heal those wounds. Or if it just makes my friends go "get over it!" Sometimes I think I'm over a lot of things then something will happen and my old wounds start breaking open and the tears start flooding. *sigh* If it weren't for my faith in God to see me through things I think I'd be in a nut house in a padded cell blowing raspberries all day.

I think about my life..and I shouldn't sometimes. I've always tried to do what's right. I've tried to help people when they need something or someone. But when I need something or someone those same people have every excuse in the world to not help me. And the ones that say "sure I can help" end up stealing from me..Maybe they think well I'm helping her and I want these things and I can't afford to get my own..so I'll just take hers since I'm helping her. People just tend to forget that you helped them when they needed it...Not that I did help to get something in return..but it would be nice for them to remember!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the way I was raised! My parents were so wrapped up in themselves, they cast me aside for my sisters to raise. My eldest sister and I get along okay, but she isn't there when I need something. 18 years ago I left Pat..she let me live in her old trailer she had. I had 2 children ages 4 and 7. I got exactly 400 a month in AFDC and 298 a month in food stamps. I had no vehicle. So what does she do "sure you can live in the trailer..250 a month plus utilities. And you can use Daddy's truck that he left here for me, but you can only look for a job..you can't go anywhere or do anything else, not in the truck" It took me a year to find a job. (the minute I got a job I informed the welfare office I did not need their help..My case worker use to have to deal with the Health Dept a lot and every time she'd call if I answered the phone she would tell me I still qualified for foodstamps!!! but I'd tell her that was okay, I'd rather not be on gov't assistance) I mean, about my sister..the trailer was paid for and it was on my "home" land (that my parents had given to my eldest sister) It was an old trailer, little thing small 2 bedroom 1 bath. So why did she make me pay her so much a month? Because my sister is a rich bitch who is only after money! But like I said we get along. If only she had of helped me a little, just a cheap place to live (the utilities were not a problem, but all that rent! I had nothing left for my kids...clothes, school supplies, shoes) then I probably would of never let Pat come back..and I would be at the health dept for 17 years now. Would have a good retirement (I'd of never hurt my back like I did) My other sister..she's hated me forever, just for being born I guess. She's always been mentally abusive to me..even when I was 4 and 5 I remember things she would do and say to scare the living daylights out of me. As teens she always called me a whore. (and I was a virgin for a lot of that time! I guess when you get told something long enough you really become whatever they say you are) And to this day...she isn't any better When James and I had no place to live she let me stay with her 5 weeks..and then literally had her daughter in law tell me to leave. I asked her where I was suppose to go and of course she said "tulsa..go to Harolds" righttttttttttttttt I hate Tulsa..always have always will. But I had no choice. Of course Schelli made me get an apt..and the welfare system in Oklahoma sucks...(and Arkansas) They (both states) told me I couldn't draw AFDC (TANF) even if I was disabled. Didn't matter that I had a minor child. I had to get a job, even if it was at McDonalds. I can't do that with my ankle. (I learned different in California..all I needed was a doctors excuse and I could of drawn it)

My life has been hard..I'm 54 years old and I feel like I'm 154. My body doesn't work..I think about my mother. When she was 54 I was 16. We went camping every summer..she washed our clothes in the river. she would carry a dishpan down to the river and wash out clothes, carry it back to camp and hang them up to dry. I couldn't do that if I tried!!!!!!!! I can't stand to cook, clean or even take a shower anymore. I feel useless.

And I still can't do anything right. Pat's daughter is always over here begging me to help her pay a bill. I love the kid. I've known her since she was 5. and she's my kids half sister. But she's not mine. I told her 2 weeks ago to call her dad I didn't have the money to help her. She said Not hardly I hate that man...So I loaned her 60 dollars to go get her husband from rehab (he is still clean and sober I pray he stays that way) but stupid me gave her my debit card so it would easier for her to stop and get gas, etc. Did she stop at 60? No..she went to Lowe's and bought some part the rehab needed for their swamp cooler (evaporative cooler for those who don't know what it is) and fixed the rehabs cooler. I am livid! Gas and food is one thing but for them to just use my money for what they want...no...I may not have a step daughter when I'm through with her today. She had no right!! and I will tell her just what I think about that! May God help me keep my temper under control.

As I said..I can't help any one ever again. I'm tired of being used.

IN LOVING MEMORY

5750 Hwy 277 South
Abilene, TX 79601
Phone: 325-692-0655
Fax: 325-691-0541
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OBITUARIES
Beryl Joan Clark
February 4, 1938 - June 27, 2010
Elmwood Funeral Home & Memorial Park
5750 Hwy 277 South
Abilene, TX 79601
Map to Funeral Home

Elmwood Funeral Home
5750 HWY 277 South
Abilene , TX 79606
6/29/2010 from 5:00 to 7:00 PM
Map to Visitation Location

Graveside Service
Texas State Veterans Cemetery at Abilene
7457 W. Lake Road
Abilene , TX 79601
6/30/2010 at Wednesday 9:00 AM
Map to Service Location

Texas State Veterans Cemetery at Abilene
7457 W. Lake Road
Abilene, TX 79601
Map to Interment Location



Beryl Clark, 72, passed away Sunday, June 27, 2010 in Abilene. A graveside service will be held at 9:00 AM on Wednesday, June 30, 2010 at the Texas State Veterans Cemetery in Abilene. Visitation is from 5:00 to 7:00 PM on Tuesday at Elmwood Funeral Home, 5750 HWY 277 South.

Mrs. Clark was born in Great Barton, England on February 4, 1938 the daughter of Charles William Atkins and Joan Olga Ruffles Atkins. She married James Medford Clark in 1959 after meeting him while he was stationed in England serving in the United States Air Force. She came to Abilene in 1972 and worked at the Dyess Officers Club for 17 years. Beryl loved camping, fishing and everything outdoors. She was an avid Elvis Presley and NASCAR Fan.

Survivors include her husband, James of Abilene; her children, Andrew Adkins and wife Christine of England, Kathy Sellers and fiancé Mike of Abilene, Jim Clark and wife Lisa of Eula, Mike Clark and wife Connie of Abilene and Belinda Sage of Lufkin; her brother, William Atkins and wife Mary and family of England; 12 grandchildren, including Robert Moody of Abilene, 11 great grandchildren and many friends.

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My dear wonderful friend died Sunday at 12:50 p.m. She was the most beautiful person I have ever met. Inside and out! She helped everyone she could even when she had nothing..if she knew you were going without she would have you come eat with her, if you had nowhere to stay, she had you come live with her. She helped me more times than I can count. Never with money as she had none when I first met her..but always with a meal, bed, smile, or just conversation.
She loved to dance. She and I went out to the Pondarosa one night, and we didn't get to sit down. One cowboy after another asked us to dance. We laughed and danced..and had so much fun that night. One of my favorite memories with her.

In the early 90's a friend of hers (he and I never saw eye to eye but we got along for her sake) passed away and left her everything he owned..Rent houses, money, etc. Of course with her kids always getting in trouble, she died broke again..she sold all of her houses and everything. So sad that had to happen. Another of my best memories of her is her place she had down at Lake Brownwood. We had so many good times there.

When Bill got this job in Abilene she is the one that helped us get a house. Her daughter made sure Bill got to the interview. I have lived next door to her for 3 years now. The first year I made it over there every day. She came over when she could but her legs were in such bad shape from working all those years and her diabetes she couldn't make it often. She really loved James' cooking! In the last year I have managed to make it over there about 4 times and that was with Mike or James walking me over. She got Robbie to walk her over one day about 6 months ago. I loved visiting with her.

I got over there about 3 days before she got sick this time. We sat out on her patio and talked and laughed about old times. I managed to get up to the hospital after she went into a coma. I kissed her cheek and told her I loved her. She couldn't talk but even her son said "she responded to that" It honestly sounded like she was trying to say I love you too...

I will miss her extremely bad.

I love you Beryl..you were the best friend I had ever had in my life!!!

I Gotta Get Better at this blogging every day thing!!!

Sorry I have been a few days blogging. Seems like this whole week has been one thing after another. Of course after the flood in Arkansas I think my phone rang a million times during the weekend wanting to know if I had heard..(I guess my Arkansas friends must think we don't get the news in Texas)...Then, my next door neighbor whom I have known for 30 years and has been one of the best friends I have ever had had a major heart attack and is in the hospital on deaths door :( They are fairly sure this time she is going..and I will miss her so much!!!! She and I have a lot of memories together..which I will blog at a later time when and if she goes. I know it's bad because they have called her son in England..something they have never really done before when she has been in the hospital. She's been in a coma for 3 days ...
Plus Kayla and the kids have been here almost every day this week which takes away from my computer time because I love to spend time with them.

I went to the doctor this morning for him to check my wrist. It's been swollen and I have had a bulging vein in it for a few months now. Kayla made me an appt because she was so worried about it. I told her it was nothing. my hand tingles and itches!! *laughs* he said it was phlebites (I didn't spell that right) and possible carpal tunnel...(well I did use to make my living typing and the computer adds to a lot of typing *laughs*) He gave me some kind of ointment that I haven't been able to use yet because medicaid sux...and for most scripts you have to have a doctors approval on file..I have no idea what it's all about since he wrote the script!! But!! anyway I'll go back to wallyworld tomorrow and see if it's been filled yet. He said if it's not a lot better in the next month to come back and he'll do the nerve testing stuff and they can do that operation for carpal tunnel. I hate that!! I can't be put under because I have adverse reactions to anesthesia so he was talking about some kind of block they do on the arm and then do it. We will have to see because if it has to be done I'll go to Dr. Williams and let him explain it better (he's a general surgeon..a great doctor and a nice man...he took out my gall bladder 15 years ago..that's when they discovered anesthesia and me didn't get along too well at all!!)

Well I guess I better get off here. Hope everyone is having a better week than I am OH and btw, Bill hurt his back over the weekend and cant' walk. His doctor told him he has a strained muscle in his back..gave him flexaril and naproxin and told him to not go back to work till next week :( he's a pain when he feels bad and is home 24/7. ugh!!

Be good and God Bless :)

Today I'm sad

When I woke up..I turned on the computer and saw this. My heart fell. Many times in my life I have seen the river rise up and look like the Mississippi churning and running. But never have I seen this!!! If the page loads correctly, the video on that page was filmed on the "camphouse" side of the river..not the "federal" side as we always called it. That first cabin they show (with the swing on the porch) has been there for 50 years. Sad..so sad.

I also, when I was 17, met my "brother" up there. He and his family have remained close to me and my children forever. They now live in Caddo Gap. I have tried to call him many times today but only get the answering machine. So yes, I am very worried about them.

Anyway..gonna go now. Pray for the people who have lost their loved ones and for the ones that are still unaccounted for.

Dysfunction in a family

Well my blog is entitled my life so maybe I should make a post on my wonderful crazy life *laughs*

My dad had ptsd from WWII and he was always so nervous that he never wanted us kids around him. Plus my mother who had been abused and raped by her brothers didn't trust him with us. I've heard tales on how he "played around" with my mothers teenage neices..I don't know really..it's just tales...so my world was doomed before I was even born. They were married 10 years before my eldest sister was born..and then it seemed like bam bam bam..2 more followed every 2 1/2 years. I was always my eldest sisters "baby" from the day I was born. She babied me like a mother should of! My sister just older than me always resented me. Kathy (the eldest) didn't treat Kay (the second) very well. I remember being 7 or 8 years old and Kathy would have her friends over. Kay would try to go into the room they were in and Kathy would yell at her to get out. But then 10 minutes later she would call me back there to "show them how to do the jerk..the swim" one of those crazy dances they had in the 60's.

Mother always made Kay "babysit" me when she was busy. We would go fishing at the AP&L's camphouse about once a month in the spring summer and fall. I remember Kay would "pretend" to be "abducted" by someone and that "someone else would look like Kay but it wasn't her..she was somewhere else" Now I was like 5 then so it scared me. I do understand her resentment on having to keep me out of things..but...well..It wasn't MY fault mother was mentally challenged from her youth. (I do believe she was bipolar) As we got older and Kay started dating..if I wanted to go to...mother would make her take me..yes on her dates!! So she really hated me. Once I turned 12..I developed and man did I ever develope..My breast were a 36D by that time..so men..and I mean grown men..would notice me. So instead of guiding me through the "almost a woman" years..my sister started calling me names..whore slut..even though I was doing nothing wrong. Sure I enjoyed the attention. I'd never had the attention from a man I got then. I remember once, when I was 15..5 grown men held me down against a car so they could "pinch my titties" and see if they were "real"..My dear sister Kay..stood there with her arms folded in disgust saying :Karla you are such a whore..you are nothing but a whore"
Wow..how nice of her to help me!! When I tried a few years ago to let her know how she made me feel she said "well they pinched my titties too" (they didn't..she was just wishing) and "You don't understand..mother forced ME to be your mother" well duh Kay...I'd never call my daughter a whore if 5 men were holding her down to pinch her tits..I'd be beating the life out of them..telling them to get off her and leave her alone..not calling her a whore!!! Geeze no wonder your kids turned out the way they did!! (a snob, 2 crazy children who have admitted to having sex with each other and a gay son..wow)

My only saving grace in my younger days was Albert Pike and Kathy. Kathy got maried when I was 12 to an alcoholic..but he was good to me and he worked and made a living. The minute he got off work though he went for the beer!! (or the Wild Turkey..but usually beer..schlitz!! I wonder if he realized what he was drinking LOL) I practically lived with them for the next 4 years. More than once I'd be doing my homework when they would come in. When they left Gerald would always look at me and say "well..you coming or not?" I always went. he would take me to school the next morning and more days than not he would be there to pick me up :) I loved him dearly. I never had to take anything with me as I had clothes over there. (this is another sore spot with Kay..she says she had a drawer in the dresser in the second bedroom just like I did. I asked Kathy about this recently and she said..No..you are the only one that had a drawer..Kay didn't stay with us like you did. But Kay will argue with us about it...*shrugs)

Well this one is turning into a book. I'll try to type more tomorrow!!!!

Not exactly as shallow as you think!!

Don't get me wrong..I really do not believe that Mexicans should come here illegally!! I've lived in Texas for 30 years..on and off...and we have always had this problem! heck, 20 years ago I was hard pressed to find a job because I wasn't bilingual..and I thought then how discriminatory..telling me I have to learn spanish to get a job in America!!!! The main reason for the last blog was vent about someone who continuously sends emails about the problem..and honestly I don't believe they even have any idea about how it is..since they live pretty far north!! And how they continuously said This is MY country...I could just think..excuse me? You are a native of this land? I will probably post 2 blogs today as I just wanted to clear this up..No I don't think illegals should be here illegally!! There is a correct way to do this..get a sponser, find a job and learn to speak english..Yes that is the way it should be.

Does anyone even realize the cost of getting here legally though? I have a good friend who now lives in Canada. She married a Canadian. He was going to move to Florida where she lives, but after checking the cost and the laws on immigration..in both countries...they found it was easier and cheaper for her to move to Canada!! So she moved to Canada. She is now a permanent resident. She has a job..fortunantly for her he lives in a non French speaking provence LOL...but still...They really wanted to live in the U.S.....but it was too expensive and too complex!!!

Okay nuff said on that subject!!!

Deep Thoughts for such a shallow mind!

Sometimes I think too much. Somethings just irritate the life out of me!! Others annoy me. Lately I've been getting a lot of emails about the illegal aliens. Everytime I get one I want to send an email back asking this person if they have any native american blood in them. If not..are they not here illegally also? As our forefathers stole this land from the Indians, forced them onto reservations and would not let them worship as they wanted, speak their native tongue or anything!! This country was founded on freedome of religion??? Yeah as long as you believed what our forefathers wanted you to. You HAD to believe in God, Jesus. that is a wonderful thing..but to force that on someone? Tell them about God, and then let them come to him. Don't force them!! and taking the Indians land from them!! Heartless!!
Yes I do have native blood in me. My great-great-grandmother died on the Trail of Tears. So yes. But you know I think that even if I didn't have Cherokee in my family, I'd still feel the way I do about this. What our "forefathers" did was wrong. No one thinks about that..except maybe the natives of this country.

I live in a state that was literally stolen from the Mexicans. Texas was part of Mexico. But the Mexicans allowed white men to live here. Then the white men decided they wanted the state. and took it. Yes the Mexicans marched on Texas..but they had told the white men to move on...they had been here long enough! Plus Santa Anna was a tyrant..no doubt. but..this was also a "theft".illegal aliens living in a foreign country.

Oh well..I expect ppl to disagree with me about this. But that's okay. I agree to disagree without fighting or terrible things said!